It’s been years and months now when the last time I cared too much about a person, when times were sunrise and sunsets are so vivid and skies are so clear and boundless…where heavy things become lighter, and each morning that I took a glimpse of her and all thoughts that run through the day is always about her… all about her, that everything that I see around me reminds me all about her. The scent of her to survive each day, the eagerness to start and end the day with a smile, and the sound of laughter that always tell me that every not that good thing that happens is something that can be altered somehow before the day ends… till I woke up the next day… everything’s gone, it’s like looking for a lost key to unlock a vault; a vault of happiness, where I can find and wear that smile that I can’t even trade for anything. Then I found myself walking away… somewhere far away, away from that, I will not even remember it; to walk too slow thinking that if I’m going to try to look back, I might see her or maybe even just her silhouette … till the day came that I can find myself running and chasing things that I’m unsure of.
Things are going back to its default form like warm water turning into taciturn ice again, colder than before, that can burn anyone who touches it. Something that can be compared to a phone that undergone a factory reset but the only difference is; there are some parts of the settings or stored memories remained, waiting to be flushed over some period of time, wherein… sometimes, it takes forever to get rid of it. Then I stop caring about myself; like trying to look good and fit to be seen for the judgmental society for her not to hear things like “she picked a wrong guy”. So there I am …having a lot of things that I forgot to care now, not even checking my inbox for any messages or the calendar for any reminders.
“We men are sometimes like horses; we only seek help when we’re almost dying, when morale demised, and goals are like pieces of shattered pieces of tempered glass on the ground. “
We start to wander around and manners also change somehow pretending things are going well all the time with eyes yelling words like “help me!”, and if not treated well, it results in some serious cases of weirdness or in some cases, respect to women. We keep on rolling like that till someone comes along and cure the sadness and it’s like a fact of life that works like a weather cycle; wherein the more winter you get , the more horrible you became till there will be a time that you’ll stop and be a pessimist when it comes to emotions. Though there are some people who are stronger, they can have that cycle over and over…. And over again, and they are the ones who do find the one… because they never give up, and they didn’t give up… but as for me… what if I did not… and it ended up like a broken railroad track, and that’s somehow one of the things I feared most as of this moment.
Some of my friends sometimes offered to help me somehow, some push me to another person, like to make some matches, and I appreciate those efforts. I’m not that much of a picky person, I’m just waiting for the time that I have the confidence to say that I’m a catch; that I am a better person this time and I can let someone feel that she can be the luckiest girl ever, that I can let her feel pretty each day she wakes up in the morning. They said that these things come naturally…. That we have this thing inside of us, just waiting to resurface to the right person… uhmm not that right right person but… that we can be the one who can be the right person for that person; for that person to be the right one for us.