When you take things or met someone in a state that you’re not ready yet, mostly ends up into a fiasco; a lesson I learned some time ago… but sometimes, excitement is the biggest challenge that you need to kill first to avoid a trap like situation. I managed to almost master it when it comes to persons around me but, for some things, I always mess up sometimes. Too much excitement gives a kick like a cocaine, too high that I can’t even see the negative side of what may possibly happen, not trying to be a pessimist but just trying to be in a safe zone though it gives me a feeling of being a coward most of the time, what I’m trying to put inside my mind is at least, I won’t have this feeling of regret or something hurtful in the end about things or persons that I’m not ready to face or handle yet. Time will keep its arm running and it will not give a damn if I pick up slow or if move so slow to catch up on things that it requires me to; wherein what I always try to remind myself is, I’ll move and I’ll handle thing at my own pace wherein if even things are so blank and cloudy, at least I can look forward to a great light in the end, so happy and contented. Always thinking about life, engaging to a deep solitude that sometimes drives them away, is one of my methods to keep on having the focus to things that I want to accomplish, it’s vague at this moment but, I still believe that vision of it gets clearer as the process goes by.
I’m strict with this kind of rule when it comes to persons; they said that it takes two to tango, and if I, myself as a whole isn’t ready and things didn’t go well along the way then, in the end, both of us will get hurt; well I’m lucky if I’m the only one who gets hurt since I developed a system to withstand some time ago as a part of my childhood… but to let other person gets hurt because of being stupid and unprepared? That’s something that might play over and over again inside my restless track of too much thinking mind. When it comes meeting new friends, well it’s good feeling meeting a new set of friends, but the fear of keeping them balanced is somehow difficult for me; I just enjoy watching them laugh and smile and that makes me happy too. I don’t have any problems when it comes to some adjustments, they might see me so quiet sometimes and it’s just me when something popped inside my mind and trying to analyze some deep thoughts but as soon as I got back from deep thinking then everything’s back to normal again and I appreciate those people that reminds me of me having that state sometimes since it might or I don’t know, maybe it shows a bad impression of not interested inside a conversational circle or thought sharing session. I’m not picky when it comes to making friends; maybe I’m just being cautious sometimes since there are also some persons that need more time for me to understand but as long as they offered friendship, then I’ll be glad to offer me to them since I believe that there they still have a good side… unless if they think or act like a Cowan, wherein I have some ways to identify things like that since there’s a time in my life that I was in a need to learn some skills like that; wherein it needs to be treated with respect without judgment and just for profiling purposes only to know persons who can be trusted with the homeland’s secrets(well college days are tough and intruding the radicals’ privacy is something to buy some needs).
Moving on when it comes to persons whom I like to spend some exceptional times with; they’re the set of person whom I don’t have too much contact with, maybe scared of having too much attachment and hurt me somehow when they’re gone or there are some situations that I don’t like to affect their evolving interaction to other persons inside the circle that might make it complicated sometimes. In cases of someone I’m interested with or someone accidentally caught my attention… it works as it starts with a deep conversation; then when it feels like there’s something weird, I just stopped reaching out, a statistics of 30% alikeness, 40% differences, and 30% mystery or the unknown facts about the person, something that can be discovered some other time somehow, like an adventure to a different person’s life. It’s sad to live alone and it sounds like a coward’s move wherein I envy those people who are not scared to try, it’s just that I don’t have a parachute or a soft spot ground to land to when it turns out that everything’s messed up. A friend said once that there’s no right person, it’s just a matter of making a way to make it right and almost perfect for both parties; a person got a point and it’s like a matter of how I push so far to make it almost perfect … did it before but maybe it’s not enough, lucky that I endured those times. It might work if… maybe I got lucky to have someone who can withstand my odd ways, always an orthodox ways of handling things, the long thinking and planning ending with bad decisions; considering that there’s a ratio of I guess 1: 3 but still fewer females might have the patience to accept me like me or if they have, it’s also a bad feeling for me to waste their time to deserve more happiness in life. They said that for every man’s greatness, there’s a woman behind it; well those men got a 90% success rate just waiting for a boost, but there’s also one thing that I learned… that no woman wants a nobody… not sure if there are still who can love a person who’s starting from a scratch, maybe they’re so rare, someone that can’t be identified quickly, might be around, might meet them before but I’m so stupid to recognize her. It feels good to have someone who’s always there that can give me a second opinion before making decisions in life, but not to have that kinda person at moment needs more time of thinking too much before jumping into something. It’s not a thing like a search since I still believe that she’s can be any person around, it’s just the matter of being ready and right timing of how things works and how stupidity ruins some things and time realigns things.
Persons we clutch too much are those who have a superior chance of disappearing most of the time; they may be gone physically or they might be just in front of me but lost them inside. With time keeps on changing, might be a positive or negative kind of evolution but it’s a good sign that life is not running along a flat track of boredom and it’s something to share for those people I chose to share a part of my experiences with, persons in the past or persons that I’ll meet up someday.