The moment I put the key in … and the loud mechanical assembly starts to rumble, and by stepping on the pedal to feed the engine with a rich blend of gasoline and octane; I knew, that it will be a start of a new expedition of my learning towards life. Others say they don’t get it, most of them are asking what’s the big deal, probably it’s normal for they don’t understand the essence of creating something beautiful out of a recycle bin. Some are laughing, making faces to deliver insults, and even cracking unfunny jokes… but I wish that someday you’ll get the message; that not all things that you can afford or things that happen normally in your life are all about rainbows and unicorns.
There will be always a time that comes when a man is searching for answers… to some questions that some people never asked themselves or encountered because their lives are so colorful to put a dull one in it. Questions that popped inside my head and laugh so hard about it only to find out that it’s not a joke; for it will change my history and will affect days and years ahead of me. Asking how far is my limit in taking responsibility, in what point of any situation that I usually give up? How deep am I willing to go for someone? And other uncountable questions that I can’t remember now but I’m sure that these few questions are the root of all other questions. Spending days to worry about everything is not a good idea for most, and living life to the fullest is the best advice that they can offer… well, they’re right at some point but sometimes too much happiness is something quite scary for me, triggers me to think that too much happiness might turn into too much sadness in time, and what if that sadness is so sad that I end up dying too sad … I just believe that no one dies happy unless he/she saw death or sadness… like the story of pig trapped in a hot desolated tract, wherein he put his winter coat and walk and encountered happiness and comfort in the end after removing his big burden.
I envy those people who grew up with a big figure that they can look up into and get answers easily with an assurance of support for times like this… where sometimes wishing to be a kid again is like the best escape to consider during these times. Conversation from any random persons and combining hybrid ideas then check if I can get an answer until that day… that day.” How about buying a trashy car? … might teach me a lesson to be more responsible in life…” then a light bulb lit like sunshine. I started looking online and found one that I don’t even consider to like, (considering that it’s the only thing that’s available and it’s within my budget). Communications started, till meeting up; wherein it taught me a lesson how to be so patient waiting for a person that I don’t even know if it’s safe to deal with, then the time came, and it went so perfect somehow. The dealer was with his family and I am so rude to ruin their holiday, it’s just a day after Christmas and convincing them to do the meetup. Well… no man wants to mess up in front of his family so I trust the person to show everything about the car and its flaws. “uhmm.. Just like women, need to accept her flaws, live with it and focus on her positive sides” I murmured. Then money flew, and I can’t remember the things that are wrong with it… the only thing I can remember is to fix its registration for me to use it without any problems against the government and be a good citizen of this country.
Hours went well and I realized that I don’t have any idea where to put it while earning for something to fix the papers, it’s a good thing that someone offered me help and so I decided to let it stuck for few days inside the place they offered (Same place where they put impounded vehicles,, a place like jail if it’s a person,, hehehe funny comparison). Thought that I can earn something in a few more days but since there’s part of my job that made it somehow complicated that it messed up my financial plan somehow; the thing that let us rest so well; and I enjoyed it so much thinking that it’s my chance to regenerate and do things that I can’t do anymore during busy days (whatever it is… ask my friends). “ things will wait, I still have this time that I can get something that’s enough to fix everything) something I said inside my mind until that day… a day again that chaos started to demise my placid way of sorting out things and decisions. “They’re taking out impounded vehicles for final disposal because of too many numbers and the compound can’t hold it anymore” words I heard as reached home, tired and crazy from work… “Can you still offer me protection for 2 months, you know me how I return a favor,” I replied, “I can hold it for a week from now but not for months, once you fixed the papers then at least we can hold it for a few more days” the inside man said. I learned to eat my pride that day, can’t close my eyes and sleep for hours; then I decided to seek help from a family member but… instead of help… insults… some bunch of words that cut me that time. I did my best to be a good citizen and to serve my country as I can and to have a decent reputation but instead, they looked at me like I did something like a crime.” They’re not like this back then… when my dad can still lead the family “I said silently. Maybe this is the end, I’m not capable of holding things and fight for things that I want to have; what if this is a life that counts on me, a person that I want to spend my time with till the countless lives after the next life. Maybe it’s time to give up… maybe it’s a similar scenario with someone 3 years ago.
Then a day when a friend gave a tip where to loan something, a thing that pushed me to overcome one of my fears, the fear of not paying back, a fear started when we went down because of it, something that caused too much financial problem, breaking us apart as a family; but to learn on how to balance the things between the fear and goal to protect something that I don’t want to lose and finish something that I started is something quite challenging. “What kind of man am I? Can’t even have enough to get what I wanted” phrases that tingle my mind… then I started to set aside pride and started to process things with humility I dialed the phone. She’s more than kind than I’ve expected; she trusted me without any doubt and much questions and she gave me a good deal that I believe that I can handle; and with that, I promised myself not to disgrace that trust. Things that changed how I almost doubted God somehow these past weeks, the timing were so perfect that I started to learn so much… like patience and how hope works and how friends are so helpful during times like this.
And so the final day that a friend also helped to get the car off the impounding compound and started the trip with a busted left side mirror; it’s so hilarious that we tried every variant of epoxy to fix it quickly for safety and to abide the laws of the road. Took my first gas refill and got the receipt and it feels so weird when I try to check it; “Now I’m one of those checking the news for any oil price hikes and drops and discounts” cracked as we laugh as we coast the road. I don’t care too much about the news regarding oil price changes before and I feel so I don’t know, maybe something quite happy like now I have another reason to watch the news and it’s not just to know what’s happening around but as part of my responsibility. As we placed it in my friend’s garage and shut down the engine, “You’re in a safe place now and I can sleep well now without thinking too much of a problem now” I said silently.
I took a close glance that morning to check everything, and found out lots of flaws… everything is almost a junk especially a body design and broken physical parts… I started to think about the next step and I’m so happy with the fact that I’m learning to start planning something not so small but too big, just the next level of the process… I sorted the things can be improved and flaws that I need to accept and live with it… and things I’ll learn to take care off step by step, to be responsible enough to fix things and improve things. Through those days, I learned where I went wrong during the times I’m still saving for paper works… how to speak responsively and something serious… do something with urgency… understanding legal stuff… some people are kind to me… to trust God when it seems like it’s hopeless… that sometimes, things that seem better inside my head is an opposite if what will happen in reality. There are much more to work on forward and whatever lessons, problems, and experiences that I will encounter is something that will improve me as me. Life is always a learning process, we just need to find ways and materials for us to learn and after these things happened to me, I learned something that’s important… that the engine is in a great shape… and it’s the most important part of the whole assembly… and it’s the same lesson when it comes to life… that external parts are something that can be fixed or improved and some flaws are something that can be ignored… but the most important part is something inside that runs the whole of it and so it’s a great responsibility and goal to take care of it. To take care of persons around you, persons that you didn’t pick yourself but destiny found a way let them meet you in one place… are those persons to fight for and keep.
“We find the person whom we like to spend the forever
with in the most unexpected time and way…
And if you will not find a way to learn and push
yourself to its limits,
Then you’re not ready enough to be responsible
and strong enough to fight for it;
And it’s like throwing your whole years of existence away”
Thanks for my friends who made it possible…