It seems like yesterday that I’m sitting on a chair in the lobby, when my heart pounds so fast, worrying too much if I can make it till the training stage or if I can pass through some series of interviews. It was cold…. while figuring out things like how to be one of them, or… how to be one of them. I’m so happy when I found out that I just passed the final exam but with some reasons that I don’t know,, I felt something that wants to pull me down, a feeling of some sort of sadness or to be more accurate, a feeling of loneliness. “No family that will tell me that I did something great or good job”,, a phrase that popped out from my mind. Seeing them that they’re excited to share their success with their family, or with their love ones,, froze me for some minutes trying to re-calibrate that I must be happy and not to see myself as a selfish person who disconnected everything from blood just to chase something that can make me better or will develop the whole me as someone who can be responsible enough to manage my life. Can’t even forget and forgive how blood always keep on reminding me about my failures as a member of the family; but the fact that we’re connected by blood, and must fill each others weaknesses… I’m having this need to find the feeling of something like a member of a family to persons that I just met and a friend who treated me like a brother. Asking myself like, will my real family say something good about it if I tell them this news that, hey look, I accomplish something; of course they’ll say something like, look around, your cousins has something to put on the wall,,yah yah yah,, I get that, and it’s not enough.
No degree, Got skills…. isn’t it good enough? Maybe I’m wrong when I spent the whole time developing a ware that can give jobs to our fellow countrymen in the future that I can’t even patent the right due to the fact that I used a small strip of codes that belonged to the open source community which is I can’t improvise my own original code because of my lack of knowledge about the specific part of the main structure. Considering things that I used a pirated copy of the main ware that I packed to see its full potential function and the fact that I can’t create a secured way of encrypting each file for them not to copy my idea or technology. Having the fear that someone from the place where I recently worked before might find a way of deconstructing it and make a fortune out of it. Sometimes thinking that what if I met this path before and as I’m doing research, I can be stable enough to be someone who can make a living,, well I’m so lucky that it’s not too late for me start my life again, that I can still have a hope in my life,, learning to communicate and speak well while earning something and the most important part is, I want to help people by giving a clear instructions over the phone that will enable me to explain anything to any person.
I am wrong in not giving an attention to chances to have a stable job before, that even the need to let go and forget someone that I loved so much because I can’t be someone who can be with her all the time…trying to push her away… though it was too painful for me.It’s just that, from the moment that I thought that she’s the right one, I realized that I’m not prepared for everything, and honestly love alone can’t make something works magically, (well I wish that it’s not the truth, and some fairy tale stories are true). Yah,, no one will take you seriously if i have a life that I have years before, they’ll just set a game and me, who has a part in that game, will just pretend that it’s just fine and say that I love the way how we play and just to end the game, I will be the one to end it so it will looks that I’m the biggest ass hole in town. Well I don’t know what are the exact words to write but whatever happened, it’s my fault.
I still believe that there’s still greatness from small beginnings and I don’t need to change my whole self to be accepted by the people who has a part of raising me up. All I know is, that I have a friend who treated me like a brother and let me in as a part of the house, new friends that will make me laugh and jump like a bat in the belfry, and cool people that I can work with for the next days of my life; and they don’t need to be related to me by blood for me to see them as family.