30 Minutes Before Another Year Comes (2020)

Дмитрий Закаев

Lot of things happened this year that I never planned last year, things that I never expected, most of it are like are painful and most of it are great memories that I can think of. There are people I stopped interacting with coz’ of the fact that I can’t take their shits no more and I’m glad that there are people that are really great to interact with, late realization that they are entirely different from the face that I marked inside my mind as who they are before. Most things in life is like a simple arithmetic, additions, subtraction, division, and multiplication of either positive or negative; but what will matter most is how you will do your own formula and no answer is entirely wrong, you can have a wrong formula and derive to a right number that you’re expecting or most of the time, right formula and get a different result and that can change your view as a person. A lot of things happened that made me see things that don’t see before, changes that I’ve just noticed recently wherein most of it are things that made me think differently and some of it are just a reminder that I am still alive… and will continue to fight and survive as long as I can; thoughts like “I may never be lucky to have a loving family, but I’m lucky to meet great people along the way while taking my journey being a loner and I’m so thankful with it”.

There are unpleasant things happened earlier this year that I thought that I can’t handle and one of them is the constant urge to go step up in my career; something that made me suffer for the few months, well it happened for the past years I say, though I can still manage it that time since I’m not taking those kind of thinking seriously. It’s like a monster surprisingly that… it just stayed in front me, staring and waiting for me to do the 1st move but I can’t… because I don’t have the strength to do so and there are still things that inside of my head that made me realize that I’m just fooling myself just to stay in my comfort zone. I just woke up one day, seeing workmates who got great scorecards are not getting the appreciation that they deserve and some who do shit things can get away with anything just because they are really good in making things that covers up their shits, persons that I so called “straws”, the most dangerous entity when it comes to a workplace. I don’t really see myself as a performer since I’m very satisfied to reach just the average or just to meet the required score and I know that I’m not quite great when it comes to handling my scorecards and seeing those people who worked hard to reach more than the score required and felt that they’re just a piece of a disposable plastic bag that floats and drifts through the wind is not kinda’ right for them; they are the people who can save the business in case that there’s something bad that might happen. Then I realized, maybe it’s a call for me to try and look for other places, maybe my purpose here already ended, that I already learned the lesson that I need to take, I’m just scared to jump into a new environment which I’m not comfortable with; and that took more months of thinking and thanks to those friends who never stopped believing, those who keep saying that I can do better with my life somewhere else, that this is not the place where I can be the best of what I can be… well, as I’ve mentioned from over the past years that being alone is kinda’ scary when it comes to deciding a major decision in life, since most of the time, a fail-safe button is not always available in that cockpit. They’re just amazing, they never stopped reminding me of what I can do, though I can see that it’s not polished enough to compete with other people with similar skills with mine, younger and way better at a very early age and I can’t find the words how to thank them.

I don’t have something against them, those who handles how the business should flow since most of them are my friends as well and maybe there are things that I can’t see on my end since I never reached that kind of decision making level, I’m just talking based from what I know as a part of the mass but I what’s difficult for me is why are they waiting for the good assets to go before they do something, and when they do something, that patch is too late to cover it up; struggle will pop up and will trigger the rest of the good ones to look for a better place. I understand that they experience stress since they have a bigger responsibilities and maybe, just maybe, since we’re just humans, we always need someone that makes us feel good thorough those times and we’re prone to exposing our weak side, an exposed opening that will let someone in that disable our judgement to identify if it’s good or bad. I just woke up one day that this is not the same place that excites me anymore for the past 5 years, I don’t usually care about what’s happening around since most of it are fair enough and there are still people who has positive attitude towards work; but it’s different when almost everyone has the same sentiments, it opens your eyes to things that I usually ignore before. I tried saying that they have tough decisions to do and we should trust it until I got tired, seeing things that can’t be covered anymore and I don’t have the guts to tell them about it since I don’t want them to have another thing to think about… and I believe that they can figure it out someday since they worked hard to reach that level of decision making. I hate to blame anyone that made everything worse and so I left, and that’s the happiest decision that I made over the past 2 years; just realized that it’s not healthy to point someone that causes everything since I myself has also some lapses and there are also things that’s going on inside my mind and with that, I can’t say that “that fucking animal ruined everything”; I will just let it flow freely and that’s it, it’s for them to listen to the mass or ignore but I hope that it isn’t too late when they realize it; and what I want to let them know is I don’t have something against them, that they’re just also a victim as well and that’s it.

Well, moving forward; I’m very thankful of where I am today, it really changed the way how I feel about work, met people that watch each other’s six no matter what happened through thick and thins. I came in where they’re experiencing a major adjustment and trouble but I saw how they are dedicated to their work and how they freely express their plans in changing the gameplay and higher ups and partners that can defend all of us for our shortcomings. I felt the warmth that I haven’t felt for a long time, something that pushes me to work harder than ever before without worrying that I’ll be left alone when storm comes along the way. Most of the people I knew are maybe wondering why I’m giving too much big deal about work but don’t have the guts to ask me why; my answer is try to imagine to disconnect yourself from where you came from and spend almost every day at work, I don’t know if it’s the same with some of you but at the end of the day, it gives that feeling that this is the only thing that I have… though not entirely since I’m also very thankful for those friends who are always there for me, but to feel that you belong to a set that makes you proud feels very different, it’s very amazing feeling for us, the forgotten ones. Maybe some of you are asking “why don’t you start your own family?” … well that’s another thing that maybe I need to discuss some other time or if you caught me drunk and reached the stratosphere of drunkenness (LOL), there are some things that maybe I want to discuss like there are some set of people who are odd or let’s say unfixed issues that needs to be fixed by some series of therapy; weak people but brave enough to struggle for survival and can’t share a part of their life to other people for now. Again, thank you so much to those came and went, to those who made my 2019 so awesome before it ends and to those who believed in me as a person though I’m not successful enough when it comes to society’s standard. I will do my best to give anything that I can as a friend, colleague, bandmate and a stranger (sorry, no idea what’s I put next) and if I forget something as a person, please remind where I came from; I’m just a person with lots of things to fix up. Let’s meet 2020 with a big smile and hopefully never leave 2019’s lesson to get stronger as the years move by.

1,933 thoughts on “30 Minutes Before Another Year Comes (2020)”

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