I woke up after a vague dream, finding someone and I’m scared of losing her so completely. Made me think blankly for a while and as mind tried to fly away as I closed my eyes, all of the flashbacks just pops up that I don’t know why it hurts something like hell.
“It’s not the first one, but this one’s really carved in”
-Mayday Parade, Oh well, Oh Well
Can’t even pinpoint why it feels something like that, things like if I just try to think about it again, it was just a short span of time, that it was just something that, ahmmm, maybe it was just me who think about it too much, and that I’m just overreacting to some things that other people with some same situations like me will just forget about it. I know that this one runs normally like this but I don’t even have the strength, maybe I’m just wanting to hear something straight, something like stop it, your annoying me, or stop it, it won’t work anymore; there’s a part of me that always rewire things inside my mind, something to do with finding a small hope that in reality, it might be far to consider on the real situation.
Maybe I just focused my thought around her too much that I didn’t try to look around or to socialize and meet new persons; that I built up my world around her and the worst thing was, I didn’t let her know how much I want her in my life, but I was too busy doing things that maybe don’t even have sense. Sometimes I want to ask, did you ever wished that I didn’t exist once in your life, that if you have the choice to stay away from me, you’ll do it right away? But still I can’t, don’t even have the guts to ask, maybe she’ll just say nothing about it, like why do I react about those things too much because I don’t have rights to or maybe just keep quiet. Another funny thing about me is, I’m seeing things on her profile and there I am, still rewiring things inside my mind that it was just all fine,,, wherein it doesn’t need words to explain that every time I try to say something about it or anything about it, there’s this idea that it was me who assumed a lot of things, that I forgot that everything was just a sham, that I let myself carried away with it; that’s why I’m getting a “huh” or “your asking weird things” replies every time I try to ask, without me thinking that yeah, why should I ask questions like that.
“All the things she does.
Make it seem like love.
If it’s just a game. (Just a game)
Then I like the way that we play.”
– The Maine, Into You Arms
I don’t really know what’s happening, it was just all me, can’t even explain things properly but someday maybe, I can.
It is the 1st month of the year, I kept myself away too much from the crowd, and maybe it was also a factor that I’m thinking like this, where’s the cool part of me? Why do I act like this if I’m back to the place where I once belong; maybe it was just time to get back my old life but with some improvements, things that I learned from my adventure, from the city of Pines and the Milkfish. The team was done setting up the site for its almost stable state,, maybe it’s time for me to find a job, something that pays the bills, something that can shape my future with stability (ahmm, the site was for investment purpose, and it will take a long time to turn it into money :)). I’m also tired of being just an option all my life, and my opinions were just trash if it’s not brilliant enough.
I also ask myself where was this thing about me, that makes me not to over think things too much and everything will be just fun and fine? wherever it was, I’m gonna find it, I just realized that need it, well let’s just say that whatever this was all about, I’ll just leave an open node, life is like a flowchart, an open node welcomes any possible new development wherein every event on life runs with it , then, if else, and else if statements; it’s how we program life, and it’s how we debug the wrong block of code.
“No longer forward nor behind
I look in hope and fear;
But grateful take the good I find,
The best of now and here.”
John G. Whittier