I thought that it will be so easy, that I don’t need things that other people have to be a better person, and I just need me, to make it; just like the movies, an inspirational one. I didn’t realize that until I just woke up and panicked, “Oh, maybe it was too late” and start making plans so quickly that I’m sure that I can do this and I have the ability to push myself to its limit then have the life that I want. Maybe I watched movies too much, that I was engulfed by the idea that everything can change just like two hours motioned picture films. Well it was like a heavy dose of LSD wherein reality was so painful when you just woke up and the time left you, even having the worst feeling when you discovered that most of your friends are living the happiest moment of their life. I’m happy for them, but for me, I kept on asking myself “what did I do when they’re working hard too much for their goals in life”, well the answer was I’m living in a fairytale world, an unrealistic one; I almost even drag one inside of it and thinks that she was smart to save herself and woke me up from that illusion. Even though that it was something painful, it was a great time for me to see the hidden wrong side of me like I only listen to the facts that I want to accept and discarding the things that I don’t like to hear; that in the end, I realized that I’m the only who thinks that things are still the same, well there a lot dark side of me that I don’t even know until now. I’m also asking myself if I enjoyed most of the things that I did before, things that can’t be appreciated by some people and consider it as something that can’t be done by a normal person having a standard way of thinking, I was a teenager that time and I lost it even my childhood that I invest my time on learning things that are not practical in the real world, especially in this country.
“Without vision you don’t see, and without practicality the bills don’t get paid.”
Having two years as a technician,,, yup,,, I learned a lot from that and experience was something that taught me well; but the fact that inside those two years, I didn’t have the chance to make good money, or just things that can make myself someone who can be competitive, AHH yeah, I know the word competitive as the real world want to insinuate means someone who can earn more than the standard cost of living, not luxurious but someone who can save or earn something extra. It’s just too sad to think that I didn’t think of that, maybe I’m dumb or I just love what I am doing, finding solutions to our clients and finding a new set of knowledge-based from their problems and expound it more. Sometimes I ask myself, how did Einstein make a living that time, then I realized that he was a professor something that we called a day job, and a job like that has paid his bills, as he does his experiments; something that I don’t have, a job that can support me well as I learn things that I want to learn, anything,, just anything,, especially things that makes our life easier today. Sometimes I want to make Zuckerberg and Jobs as my example, but to think that they have a complex way of thinking and they learned from an excellent learning institution wherein even you just stayed for even a year, you can learn almost everything that you need because they have the materials that they need. Another problem with me was, I want to earn more, but there was this part of me that I don’t care about how much I’m earning, and based on my way of living, I don’t even go out much as everyone does, and I don’t even pay bitches to for me to satisfy my part as a human, that doesn’t even let those secrets out to my friends just to have an almost safe judgment environment; it’s better for them that they’ll think that I’m a pussy, and another update, I don’t do that anymore, I’ve learned the best way to control it, and I’m sure of it. Most of my fears came from things that I’m not sure if I can do it, without even starting yet, and if I fail for the first time,, I almost give up, everything, though it was something different in some parts of me that I won’t give up just to find and solve problems I always encounter at work; the fear of I don’t know, maybe the fear of something greater? I don’t really know.
“Today’s practicality is often no more than the accepted form of yesterday’s theory.”
-Kenneth L. Pike
I always love to make plans, flowcharts, but whenever I try to start the execution part, it ends me up to somewhat mess up part of the situation that I can’t do it right; makes me a liar, to myself and to other people that believes or part of it. It sounds like a lifeless word after all, and though I disappointed them, may I just need a little more time for me to accomplish whatever I promised them. Well, too bad that I’m a slow type of person and if I tried so hard I might change that thing in me.
To realize that I might be just a person whom someone can be with before they find someone that they’ll end up with, was part of me that sucks; checking the technical aspects of me, and I don’t even have the closest to 50% score and just add the unknown score of me that I don’t even know how to handle a serious relationship because I don’t really know how does this really work, that’s all I know was an eight hour rule,, plus the weird characteristics that I have,, Oh bugger…. Am I still a person?
It is scary to live a life that sucks, but changes are never too late,, it’s not the world who’ll adjust for me and it won’t give a damn s***t on whatever issues I had, It’s me who’ll need to change first and adjust for the world before, maybe, I hope, that someday the world might be the one adjusting it for me.
“Pursue excellence, and success will follow, with their pants down.”
–Rancho, Three Idiots