Every time I check her picture whenever I’m online, and take a look of pictures when she’s smiling, whether it’s fake or not; something tells me that nahh… You have your chance but you blew it up. Yup, I blew it up and though I want to keep her so much, my mind keeps on asking me, “Why do I need to drag someone to my stuck up life?” then I answer “ Nope, I can do something to make a difference and get out of this kind of life”, “Huh? But how, you can’t even have a stable job and can’t even find one right now” then followed by the painful realization of how can I be presentable to everyone around her, that I don’t want to be one of the reasons why they might criticize her, words like “you chose that guy”; there are tons of things like that inside my mind and it was something like I’m trying to argue with myself, trying to outwit myself. Sometimes I regret those times I screwed up before, traded my education for some crazy thoughts that I don’t need my family to have a degree, and degree just to have a great career in life; It feels like I took a path wherein there’s no going back to correct those things,
“If I only knew that this day will come, a day that I need to keep distance,a day not having the position to say things like I love her, or anything that what my heart wants to say, a day that I wake up each day wishing that it was all just fine ; then maybe I fixed my life years ago, that those self pity thoughts can’t pull me down to hell, that maybe I didn’t act like an asshole all the time having these thoughts that someone can get her away easily coz‘ I’m just a mess wherein these thoughts made me into a possessive kind of person.”
Now there are lots of far better men than me, around her, and maybe she sees me that I’m just a guy who gave her tons of shits like promises and words without a meaning. Though I want to ask her if I still have the chance, maybe I’ll just keep it to myself, till I make myself a better version of myself. It’s difficult to pretend that it was like nothing, as the pain kicks every time I miss her and memories can’t sing me to sleep. Maybe I’ll just be around her from a distance, let her feel that I still care, that I want her in my life but totally let her go if ever she found someone that can take care of her.