I don’t know why I’m starting to think so different that whenever she’s going out with her friends or she wants to release stress and she needs to have a drink, I feel so jealous that I can’t think a bright side of it. I felt that even before but there was a border that I can’t cross that time, but when we have that thing when we started expressing what we have inside; I started to get selfish. It is like a poison that corrupts my mind, that even I try to think of the bright side, there’s a side that drags me to that kind of thinking. I’m so selfish that I’m thinking that she maybe miss me or the fact that I’m not around her give her warmth whenever the cold air wants to pin her down.
Another thing is, I keep saying things over the phone like how I miss her but I’m not exerting an effort to see her, saying how I love her but don’t even have the sweet moves that make her feel that she was so special to me. Things that I didn’t realize before that it can affect me, we like this; I just found out that I still have this fear of doing things that reminds of the past. It is something that makes me crazy, that after I send her some stupid jealous messages and I realized how stupid it was, that was the time that I can feel how it burns me like hell inside. It was something that hinders me from her, though the past was already gone but whenever I think of something to surprise her, those painful things keeps on reminding me that I’m also scared that if I have a continuous physical contact with her, I’m going into a state of addiction and develop this kind of possessiveness stronger.
Whatever this is, I need to think straight and be strong; maybe it was just the spaces between us that pushes me to think like this. I hope that I can learn those things soon, may this is also the curse of not having any a serious one before, it’s like that I just got out of a gulag and trying to adjust to a new hemisphere