I decided to clear up my mind and tried not to be affected by things that are so scary to think of and as we have more conversations, I didn’t notice how I walked deeper in her world; having a thirst of wanting to know her more, and for the longest time that I haven’t had a deep conversation with someone, it is the first time I left the dark part of me that might repel any of what she’s trying to say, an instinct that always find ways to escape and rewire my mindset not to have an attachment with anyone.
I’m starting to like the way how she talks and as she tells her stories, it is something like, I didn’t hear any words that she’s saying but I understand every part of it. She’s starting to act like a drug to me, I’m starting to get addicted to a substance that I’m not much familiar with but don’t even care what is it.
The hour flies with her as she smokes and shares most of her funny thoughts, laughs like there’s no tomorrow; followed by restless exchanging of text messages, anywhere, everywhere, or any part of the day. Still, she has a happy face but having sad eyes that tells me how fragile she is, and trying to pretend that she is a strong person that doesn’t have any problems. She’s sweet and warm that every man around her is acting so weird and might think that she is a bitch that can have an intimate experience with everyone, as they try to attempt to see how far they can get. Hehehe,, Sometimes I just want to tell them that “hey! you don’t have any idea whom you’re dealing with, and not because she’s sweet and nice, you can try your moves and brag like you can do it with her”; and she’s not a person like that, and I don’t know that either but I just believe and feel that she’s different. Maybe it is a part of her character that she’s too kind and doesn’t want to embarrass anyone, that she needs a respect, a real one, not just a show off whenever she’s not around; well I’m just sick and tired giving my observations of what both of you are trying to think, starting with a simple touch, with a weird way of eye’s pupil changes in size and carefully selected words looking for a clue if she’ll let you in or not.
Every moment I spend with her is fun, even though I don’t react much and trying to keep most of it inside, a part of me that I can say is… that I’m starting to break my rules and I like how this thing flows. I ’m starting to feel calm whenever she listens to my nonsense thoughts, I can feel that she might understand what I’m trying to say, something like other people won’t even spend a time of trying to understand what I’m trying to say. Despite everything that I can’t even express clearly, she still tried to decrypt some of it wherein I can feel that I don’t need words to say something to her. Enjoying the silence though having a paranoid feeling that other people around us might have a notion that we are spending the time to talk instead of fulfilling our duties at work, makes me uncomfortable and trying to evade great conversations that delays me to know her more.
As she unfolds every page of her life, things are getting clearer, that she’s a tough one, due to the fact that she can deal with those problems without asking any help from other people; therefore I conclude that she’s not just a woman, a single mom, but a special kind of a person who tried to defend herself from social judgment and other tough situations, asking why she’s special? Well, she can smile and laugh with me and she can act like she has a perfect life.
“The greatest sin is judgment without knowledge.”